


Even If My Wings Turn Black

by glitchly



Series: Supernatural 315Pro Lore [1]
Category: THE iDOLM@STER, THE iDOLM@STER: SideM
Genre: Alternate Universe, Fallen Angels, M/M, i also want to say this is a late jun bday thing but, i didn't use major chara death tag but, it's really not lol, just coincidental timing lmao, so it's ok I guess?, someone dies at the beginning but he comes back, supernatural 315pro au, this is also literally the longest one-shot I've ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-03 09:55:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17281868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glitchly/pseuds/glitchly
Summary: (One of many lores/prologues to my Supernatural 315Pro AU)Jun has powers too dangerous to control. Natsuki is a guardian angel protecting him from afar. Neither of them can talk to the other anymore, and they're both feeling guilt over different things. Jun doesn't want to talk to another human being again, and Natsuki doesn't want to remain hidden away.In short, Natsuki recalls the events that led to where he and Jun are today.





	Even If My Wings Turn Black

**Author's Note:**

> Oof this ended up being a lot lot LOT longer than I expected it to be asdfghjkl
> 
> Anyway, context for this is I made a weird AU on Twitter and then I decided to actually give it some serious lore, starting with NatsuJun because I love them 
> 
> You don't need to know anything about the AU to know what's going on in the fic because literally only two of the tweets relate to natsuki/jun but if you wanna check it out anyway here you go: https://twitter.com/glitchloid/status/1078680067272781825

Sobbing. Crying. Screaming. Tears. Names being called out but no response being given.

Those were the things that you had experienced on that fateful day. You cried and you screamed as you cradled my body, weeping as you called my name again and again and again, in hopes that it would wake me up. You kept yelling about how it was just an accident, and you found yourself balling as your Mother furiously started thinking up excuses to tell to my family. You kept saying the same thing over and over, trying to simultaneously comfort yourself and trick yourself into thinking that I'd simply open my eyes and reveal myself to be perfectly fine. Neither of those two things happened. You faced no comfort between then and the private funeral, and I never found my eyes opening to the sight of your tearful face, arms wrapped around me, unaware of the fact that your powers were a force to be reckoned with.

To this day, I still don't blame you for it. Sure, you may have had at least a vague grasp on your heritage, but there was no way to predict that you'd inherit those powers from such a young age. Even when you told me that you were the son of Death himself, I was sure that there was no way for such a morbid role to ever be passed down onto you. The entire incident that day was a mere accident; your powers kicked in with unfortunate timing; it wasn't anything that you ever could've controlled. When you had placed your hand on me, and watched in horror as I dropped to the floor, I couldn't hear any of it. I couldn't see any of it, nor feel it. For the longest time, it was nothing but a terrifying state of blankness.

But when my eyes finally decided to flutter open, they opened in a mysterious world, a land where people had their sins tallied and their next move decided for them. Because I was so young, and hadn't had any time to commit even a single sin, it was decided that I were to be sent to the place that everybody wishes to get into. The place known to most people as 'Heaven'.

Back then, they let me in because of my age. I was no younger than 7-years-old; I'd had not a single chance to do something worthy of being sent to Hell for. However, that was back then. Little did I know was that that oh-so-peaceful existence in the clouds was merely temporary, and that I was soon to cling onto an opportunity to commit myself to the darkness.

Even though the ones in charge disapproved of you, mainly because of your lineage, they were able to have enough sympathy for you and your circumstances to send you a small token of mercy. That token was me, and it was me in a form that they approved of.

They allowed me to continue to watch you. They called me a guardian; someone in charge of steering the unfortunate onto a more-fortunate path. That one incident made it clear that you had to be controlled, that you had to learn a way to hide your touch from others. If you were ever to lay your hands on another person, they'd suffer the same fate as I did. It became my responsibility to look over you, to ensure that anyone who was in danger would be driven away from it.

However, it seemed as though that you fully intended to do my job for me. You locked yourself away, refusing to make new friends, refusing to talk to others. You gave up that promising career and stopped playing piano, all out of grief for the fact that you'd done something that you couldn't take back. Once or twice, I even saw you plead with your Father, a man who you never spoke to, begging him to try and use his connections to bring me back. With every time that you were told no, you became more and more reclusive, and less and less open with your emotions.

You grew into a miserable teenager, a person who still didn't want anything to do with other human beings. You carried the guilt of that one incident with you through life, and you never got over the fact that you had committed an irreversible crime, no matter how accidental it all was.

It pained me to witness it all. It tore my heart out of my chest, and practically held it there as if to taunt me. Through the years, you kept growing, and I did too. I aged just like you, and for most of it, I was by your side. I was with you, more often than not only an inch or two away from being able to grab onto you.

When you wept guilty tears at the funeral, and kept apologising over and over and over as they lowered me into the ground.  
I was there, stood by your side. You just couldn't feel my presence.  
When you refused to enter middle school and hid in your room, afraid of hurting another person.  
I was there, the only other person in the room with you. You just couldn't see me was all.  
When you visited my grave on that event's 10th anniversary, more tears streaming down your face as you begged me to come back despite how long it had been.  
I was there, staring down the fresh flowers you'd placed on my gravestone. You just couldn't hear a single word of comfort that I spoke.

As time had progressed, it began to feel as though that I was the one who should've been apologising. There were cardinal rules, unbreakable laws that had to be followed if I were to remain by your side, just out of reach. A lot of it was minor things, such as no leaving behind evidence of my presence, which was pretty hard to accomplish in the first place. But there were two major factors that hurt. For one, you weren't allowed to see me. Part of my powers involved the ability to hide myself from your somewhat-mortal sight, and for you to never know when I was nearby. The second part was that I wasn't allowed to say anything that you could hear. Sure, I had powers that could prevent you from hearing me. But speaking up is something I rarely do, so when I did ever say anything, I'd usually get dangerously close to forgetting my abilities and accidentally revealing myself. I was always there for you, even though I was always on the edge of unveiling my presence, whether it be on accident or because I was desperate for you to realise that I was there. I wanted so desperately to show myself to you, accompanied by a long symphony of apologies for having kept you in the dark for so long. That's what I wanted, but to want such a thing was to subject myself to misery. I was forbidden to return to you in the way that you wanted me to, and you were forbidden to know that your long-gone friend didn't blame you for what had happened.

That was the way things were, and I was powerless to change any of it. Even one hint that I was still around would be enough to convince my superiors that I couldn't be trusted as your guardian, and I had always figured that it was better to be silent yet present instead of being nowhere near you. I had committed myself to being your loyal guardian, a lost soul who was to keep you away from harming others.

But that was the issue. My job was not to keep you safe. In fact, the superiors cared not for if you were ok, as you were the child of a truly detestable creature. My job was to keep other people safe, to ensure that if you ever got close to someone, that you'd never accidentally lay even a single finger on them. It was because of the fact that others had been prioritised over you that had kickstarted a long, arduous process that you could refer to as my downfall.

You awoke to the smell of smoke and the sound of screaming. You woke up to find yourself struggling for breath, the walls closing in on you as the flames made their way through the house. It was yet another accident, the result of a gas leak that no one had realised was there. You panicked and found yourself choking on the puffs of smoke that crept through the burning floorboards, but no matter how much you ran, you realised within minutes that escape was near-impossible. You tried to run, but eventually you succumbed to the dizziness that the smoke had caused, and your end was surely right there.

I had arrived as soon as I realised what was going on. I had been told by the others that I was wasting my time, that if anything I should be glad, that I no longer had to guard such a dangerous person. If the person I was assigned to was to die in the flames, a fitting end for someone with such heavy connections to the underworld, then that reduced my workload, and saved a lot of potential victims.

But none of that logic was worth listening to. I didn't listen to a single part of any of it. Even if you were dangerous because of that bleak power of yours, you didn't deserve to die for it. Even though my duty didn't involve your well-being, I still found myself running through the collapsing house, pushing the breaking support beams to the side as I desperately tried to find you. I kept panicking that I wouldn't get to you in time, that you'd perish among the ashes without any chance to recover from your past. You deserved a chance to live on; you deserved the right to reflect upon things and come to terms with what had happened all those years ago, and I'd give just about anything to ensure that you kept that right.

I found you just in time. I held you in my arms, unaffected by the flames that had engulfed the place. I ran with all my might, and managed to escape the burning wreckage as it came down upon itself, you still nestled into my arms as your consciousness slowly returned.

I admittedly stayed by your side for longer than I should've. I don't know if I just wanted to be certain that you'd wake up, or if I was just clinging onto this one moment where I could reach out and actually hold onto you. I held you in my arms as you flickered in and out of consciousness, your blurry vision barely making out my figure. That day, you said one thing that sent a shiver down my spine. You said something small yet powerful, something I couldn't forget, and I still remember it to this very day.

As you reached your gloved hand out towards my face, your eyes barely open as the nearby fire continued to crackle, your choked-up voice said to me:

"Natsuki? Is that you?"

A million thoughts had rushed through my mind when you had said that. For a moment I was afraid that you were dying, and that you were assuming we'd been reunited in the afterlife. There was also something in me that realised that I'd broken a cardinal rule, that I'd allowed you to see me. Even if it was only for a couple of minutes, and even if your vision was blurred and you could barely comprehend what was going on, you'd caught a big enough glimpse of me to recognise me. Despite the fact that it had been 10 years, and that I'd grown, and that there was a halo above my head a pair of luminescent wings on my back, you still noticed enough of my features to process that it was your dear best friend who was holding you close in his arms, as if to protect you from everything that the world had thrown at you.

I could only stay for so long. Eventually you'd come to, and you'd realise what was going on. I couldn't allow you to notice me any further than you already had, and it was with an incredibly heavy heart that I had to leave your side, hoping that the repeating sirens in the distance were headed towards you.

It took you a few days to recover from the fire, but even after you'd been let out of the hospital, you were still hung up on it. You knew you'd seen me, but you weren't sure why or how. You kept asking yourself bothersome questions, such as whether or not my image had just been some sort of near-death hallucination, or whether or not it was actually me by some divine, miraculous happenstance. Although the latter was the correct answer, I couldn't let you know that. As I silently sat by your bedside, I fought away the temptation to speak out and try to explain to you what had happened. You were certain that someone had saved your life that day, but you weren't sure if it was me, or someone who just happened to resemble me, or if you'd lost your mind somewhere along the way. You even began to ponder if you'd actually noticed the pulsating ring of light rested above my head, or if that was just part of the illusion too. Had you begun tricking yourself? Were you starting to believe in fantasies and make-believe? There was even a part of you that wanted to dismiss the entire thought, purely because you were under the impression that I, your past victim, wouldn't want to save the life of my killer. You couldn't fathom the idea that I'd want to keep protecting you, considering what you'd done. But you were wrong, oh-so-wrong.

They were furious with me for saving you. Your life, which I had sworn to protect, meant nothing to those who ranked higher than me. The fact that I'd not only interfered with your life directly, but allowed you to see me, was something that they couldn't see any justification in. They reminded me time and time again that my duty didn't involve helping you, and that my true duty of keeping other people safe would be a much, much easier duty if I simply left you in that burning building. Usually, it is expected of a guardian to never argue against someone who they answer to. Any backlash whatsoever could be met with disastrous consequences, and considering my naturally-quiet nature, the ones in charge had fully expected me to silently sit there and listen to their condemning words. As a result, when I did open my mouth, it came across as an unexpected, somewhat unbelievable act of borderline treason.

"To expect me to leave Jun to his death...that's cruel." Were the words I had spoken, and I had spoken them with conviction, "Just because his death would make things a bit more convenient, that doesn't justify your thoughts. He's not a bad person, after all."

There was uproar over those few words. After a few hours of ceaseless arguing, they were a bit more willing to forgive what I'd said, under a condition. That cardinal rule I'd broken was sacred; to let Jun know of my presence was to essentially break the law. I was given the be-all-end-all.

I was told that if I were to ever directly interact with Jun ever again, even if just once, even if on accident, even if it were something as small as accidentally bumping his shoulder, if anything at all...then I'd be ruled as untrustworthy, and I'd be sentenced to the worst thing an angel could ever be sentenced to. Loss of all power and responsibility, any connection the the heavens severed, to become one with the darkness and to fall from grace.

Blackened, broken wings and complete and utter disgrace were the 'rewards' waiting for those who were deemed too dangerous for the job. I would lose absolutely everything if I were to ever communicate with you again, even if it were in a situation where I absolutely had to.

I had tried to distract myself from such a depressing compromise. I considered myself lucky for even being able to remain by your side in the first place, so I had decided to just count my blessings and move on.

You, on the other hand, couldn't afford the luxury of putting things away and leaving them in the past. Even after a rough two months of moving house and getting readjusted to a somewhat normal life, you still had questions. You still hadn't made your mind up on what you'd witnessed that day. You were still wrestling the idea that I was still around, and debating with yourself over whether or not you'd seen something real. Either way, it had been a bleak couple of months for both of us, and for reasons that were simultaneously wildly different yet quite similar.

I had decided to develop a new way to cheer you up. I had to be indirect with it, or else I'd risk the superiors making good on their threats. I had to look around the new house, and what little had been salvaged and what new items had been bought for either useless decoration or for your Mother to use. It started off with the piano that had been sturdy enough to withstand the fire. You hadn't played it in years, and I'd began to miss the beautiful melodies you used to play on it. There had been times where you'd approached it, and I'd receive a glimmer of hope that you were going to reignite your old passion for the instrument, only for you to shy away at the last minute, unable to look at any of the piano's keys for even a second.

I simply nudged the piano's pin slightly, and as its top fell with a crashing sound, you snapped out of another desolate daze and went over to the prized piano. I could practically see your inner struggle reflected in your expression as you propped the top back up; I could see you debating with yourself as to whether or not you wanted to rest those cold, deadly hands of yours on the keys. I wanted to say something, anything to encourage you to go for it, but I was already stood on thin enough ice as it was. I simply had to stand there and pray that you'd see this as some sort of sign. I stood by your side, and watched on as you slowly sat down, hands above the piano keys, still trying to make sense of everything. I looked on with bated breath as you slowly prodded at a few of the keys, trying to remember even a single song that you used to play. With a look of joyful disbelief on my face, I watched you as you nodded to yourself in affirmation, as though you had accepted that this was all a sign sent from the heavens, or at the very least a sign sent from someone who came from the heavens. It took you a good few minutes to remind yourself of which key was which and to familiarise yourself with the sheet music that had been propped up on the piano stand, but you managed to play a shaky, off-time, beautiful piece.

I had prompted you into playing again so I could bring you at least some joy, some solace that everything would turn out ok. However, as you played, I found it wasn't just you feeling something new and strange. As you lost yourself in the world of melodies and octaves, I failed to realise that there were tears clouding up my vision. I didn't realise just how badly I had been missing you until then. Sure, I'd been by your side for a decade or so. However, the pain of spending that decade either silent or unheard didn't hit until that moment.

I wanted so desperately to pull a violin from some void, and to play it right there and then, to accompany you in some kind of makeshift orchestra like we used to back as children. I wanted to you to hear me, and I wanted to actually do something with you for once, instead of just being awkwardly sat nearby. I was getting tired of the fact that I couldn't do anything about your guilt, that the feelings you were refusing to let go of were because I couldn't clear them away for you.

Even though I saw you pretty much every day, I was finally starting to realise just how much I missed you, and just how lonely we both really were.

I wanted to hold you in my arms and tell you that I was there. I wanted to whisper in your ear that I had forgiven you years ago. I wanted you to stop feeling so torn up over the past.

Even though the beautiful songs you had played were meant to distract you from everything, they could only distract you for so long. You had to get your head out of the clouds and contemplate some serious questions. You were becoming more and more convinced that what you'd seen two months ago was indeed the spirit of your dearly departed friend, that perhaps I had found my way back to your side. As you walked down the street, basking in the outside air that very rarely touched you, I couldn't help but stare over your shoulder, reading what you'd pulled up on your phone's screen. Accounts of people who'd claimed to have seen ghosts, and photo evidence of creatures like angels and demons. Given your heritage and the nature of your otherworldly powers, you already knew what you needed to know about things like the afterlife and how the process works, but you just had to make sure that it was definitely me and not some lookalike. The gloves you wore to protect others from your deadly hands made it hard for you to scroll through the pages, but you seemed determined to get to the bottom of your strange experience.

It was dark, and it was cold, and you'd distracted yourself with all those thoughts you were having about your apparent 'vision' of me. As a result, it was only natural that you'd accidentally taken a wrong turn on your way home. I tried to leave some indirect signs that you were headed the wrong way, but you noticed none of them, and a direct sign from me would swiftly get me put in trouble. You kept walking, unaware of what was ahead.

The amount of sheer panic and confusion on your face when the knife was held to your neck is a sight that still haunts me to this day. As the gravelly voice demanded that you hand over money that you didn't have, you pleaded for your life, and tried fruitlessly to run. As the thief grabbed your hand to stop you from running, he accidentally pulled off that glove that was keeping you from ending another life. I could practically feel my bosses yelling at me to do something, and to do it quickly. You screamed out in terror as you tried to shove your exposed hand into your pocket, determined to not let it get grabbed again, in fear that you'd repeat your past crime. The attacker grabbed your other hand, and as the tears on your face streamed down as you feared for both yours and your assailant's lives, that was when I made the decision that changed everything.

Subduing the attacker was an easy task. He went down with barely any fight, seeming more disturbed than anything over the fact that he couldn't see who was subduing him. You looked on in horror and confusion as you watched that man keel over from seemingly nothing, afraid that you might have accidentally laid a hand on him at some point. I propped his unconscious body up against the wall of a nearby building, but that was merely just something I did to stall for time, so I would have a few more precious seconds to think of what I was going to do next, to see if there was a way to make you either forget that this happened or to ensure that you didn't stick around.

Even though you wanted to run, you also wanted to make sure that you hadn't killed him. You tried running to his side whilst I wasn't paying attention, and before either of us realised it, you bumped into what seemed like absolutely nothing, your exposed hand brushing my arm. No one had ever researched your powers before, so I was just as surprised as my superiors when it turned out that your touch was capable of destroying my cloaking powers. I hadn't expected to get revealed on that night, but I ended up in your eyesight once again.

The wings, glimmering and shining with a bright shade of white in the midst of the dark night, easily managed to grab your attention. The faintly glowing ring of light perched above my head only made me more noticeable, and it didn't take me long to realise that this wasn't something I could run away from without an explanation. I could hear your breathing hitch as you stared down this unbelievable sight, trying to process what was happening. I'd broken the cardinal rules yet again; I'd allowed you to see me yet another time.

I approached you, holding onto the glove that had been taken from you. You teared up as you backed away from me, unable to believe your eyes. This couldn't be happening, you thought. This can't be real, you thought. You were wrong. I really should've left the moment the fight was over, but even allowing you to catch a glimpse of me was enough to make me fall through the thin ice that I'd been perched on. I was already going to be punished in some way for allowing this, so I figured that not much worse could come from what was I was about to do next.

I walked over to you slowly, trying to muster up a gentle smile as I held my hand out to you. You continued tearing up as walked backwards, keeping your ungloved hand far away from me as you stared me down. With a sigh, I knew I had to turn this rule-breaking sin even more disgraceful; I had to find some way to make convince you that what you were seeing wasn't an illusion. The more I approached, the more you tried to walk away, and the more panicked you began to look. Eventually, I was able to get close enough to grab a hold of your arm, pulling you closer as I placed the glove back over the hand that had once begun my end. Your eyes widened in shock and horror as you realised that I could touch you, that there was something physically there, that you weren't going crazy.

You looked up at me, not even moving your hand out of my grasp. With a gulp of fear and some nervous breaths, you managed to speak up.  
"N-Natsuki...?"  
Even though you were crying, and even though this reunion wasn't exactly under pleasant conditions, hearing you say my name was still enough to put a smile on my face. I held onto your hand, and looked into your troubled eyes, feeling nothing but blind, dumb joy as I processed that you could actually see me, and that this was beyond you simply feeling my presence.

"Natsuki...i-it can't be..." You whimpered, shaking your head as you looked at me, "You're...you're...but I...I..."  
"I'm sorry, Jun." Was my first choice of words; it felt simultaneously euphoric and absolutely insane that I was saying things that you could hear for once, "I'm sorry; I should've revealed myself a lot sooner, right?"  
"W-What?" You couldn't take your eyes off of me as you wiped away your built-up tears, "You're...you've...how long have you been a-around?"  
"Since always." The words I spoke hurt slightly, it only amplified that guilty feeling that I should've told you earlier, "I've...I've been by your side ever since then...ever since the day I died."  
"Since...b-but that was 10 years ago!" You choked up as you took this information in, unable to properly handle it, "I-I can't believe that you'd still be here after 10 years...th-that's impossible...n-no! This isn't real!"

You pulled your hand away from mine, and found yourself rubbing your tired, weary eyes over and over, hoping that eventually you'd blink and I'd be gone. But no matter how much you pinched your arm or wiped your eyes, I didn't disappear. I was still there, staring at you with a look that was part sympathy and part guilt.

"This...I'm dreaming." You nodded to yourself, "This can't actually be happening..."  
"Why not?" I asked, reaching an arm out to brush your hair out of the way of your eyes, "What makes you think this couldn't be real?"  
"Because...Because I killed you!" You cried out, backing away from me, "Why would you stay with me for so long when I did something so terrible? I-I...I always assumed that you would've just...moved on and forgotten about me! I thought...I thought you'd just enjoy your afterlife and never have to worry about me putting you in danger again!"  
"Never!" I tried to get closer, but you kept backing away in disbelief, "Please, don't make it sound like something awful. It was an accident, you didn't mean for it to happen!"  
"Even if it was an accident, it was still something terrible!" You seemed almost determined to not hear me out, your voice growing quieter as you talked, "I-I just...I can't imagine that you'd still want to be by my side after what I did..."

Following that sentence, there was an uncomfortably long silence. Neither of us wanted to be the first one to say something, for we were both afraid of the other's response. You couldn't comprehend that I was still willingly around, and I didn't know what I could say to convince you that it wasn't your fault. The longer the silence lasted for, the worse I felt about having left this for so long. I should've revealed myself so much sooner. I should've let you know I was there years ago. No, I should've let you known the moment I was assigned to guard you. If I had just confronted you back then, all those years ago, we wouldn't be in this situation right now.

"I-I'm sorry..." You whimpered, "I just...I can't believe this. This has to be a dream, right?"  
I didn't know what to say. You weren't dreaming, but I did't know how to convey that to you. I was never good with words after all, and if anything, it almost felt like I was better unheard. But right then and there, I had to say or do something. If I couldn't say something, then I had to let actions speak instead of words.

You flinched as I grabbed onto you, one arm around your torso and the other around your legs. You didn't get a single word in before you realised that we weren't on the ground anymore, and that the wings on my back weren't just for mere show. You held in a scream of part-terror and part-shock as you held onto me for dear life, the cooling breeze of the night dashing past us.

"N-Natsuki! Put me down this instant!" You yelped, voice turning shrill as you tightened your hold on me, "This isn't funny!"  
"I'm not trying to be funny." I sighed, looking at you with a faint smile, "I bet you've never had a dream this vivid, huh?"  
"Huh?" You blinked, "A-Alright, I'll give you that...if I tell you that I believe you now, will you put me back down??"  
"I'm afraid I can't do that yet, Jun." I couldn't help but chuckle slightly as the words came out, "Just enjoy the ride."  
"No!" You probably would've started kicking and screaming if you weren't scared of how high up we were, and you ended up burying your head into my shoulder as we soared over the countless buildings and stories, "Y-You come back after 10 years and the first thing you do is give me a heart attack? Are you trying to kill me so we're even?"  
"I'd never even contemplate such a thing." I assured you that everything was fine, but I wasn't exactly opposed to you holding me this tightly.

You'd never even been on a plane before, so to suddenly be pulled this high into the air was surreal for you. You spent most of the trip nervously clinging onto me, too afraid to look down. As I kept talking about sweet nothings and things I'd missed about Earth to calm you down, you slowly managed to pull away from my apparently-comforting shoulder, looking at the city below that was faintly lit in all sorts of golds and silvers. You'd confined yourself to your room for so long that you'd forgotten what the outside world looked like, so the sight of your face lighting up with wonder and joy was a sight to be treasured. Any thoughts I ever could have had about how talking to you wouldn't be worth it were dashed during our little trip together, and any thoughts you still had about this being an illusion had been broken to pieces. Neither of us wanted to hang onto the reservations we'd had only an hour or so ago. Tears that were once out of sorrow were now formed from pure joy, and neither of us cared for any of the ramifications that would come with being together again.

Even though you'd been terrified when I'd first taken you into the sky, you seemed upset when we finally landed again, just outside the front door of your house. As I placed you back on the ground, you took a minute or so to let go of me, almost as though you'd been savouring the moment. You looked up at me, forcing a smile as you spoke.

"Thank you, um..." You did't know what you wanted to say exactly, but you still tried to force some words out, "I...I know I'm not dreaming but...this still seems so hard to believe. I have so much to ask you, but I wouldn't even know where to start..."  
Your gaze shifted to your covered hands, and a look of remorse was on your face as you thought things through.  
"Then start with whichever is the most important." I answered, slowly placing my hands in yours, hoping it would distract you from all the bad thoughts that were clouding your mind.

"In that case...I guess...I want to know why you decided to watch over me. I get it, it was an accident and you don't blame me, but...why did you decide to stay with me? You could've just enjoyed a peaceful afterlife, not having to burden yourself with the things going on in my life."

Hearing you say those words made me think. I tried to think back to that day, when I had first been offered the assignment. At first, I think I was just doing all of this in hopes that I could clear your conscience, or that I could find a way to help you with your powers. But as time had progressed, and as we both turned more and more cynical over the entire situation, that initial hope had flickered out. Looking back, maybe I didn't have a solid reason to follow you outside of simply wanting to see you again. I guess I just wanted to see if you'd be ok, and when it turned out that you were far from it, I couldn't tear myself away from you.

"I guess...I didn't want to just abandon you." Was my eventual reply, "It would've felt wrong to just leave everything behind just because I'd died, I suppose."  
"Ah, that makes sense." You nodded, but there were still hundreds of other questions on your mind, "And...can I ask why you never revealed yourself for so long?"

That was something I never wanted to explain. I didn't want to answer with the truth, partly because I feared your reaction to it, and also because reiterating it would remind me of the fact that I'd broken the law yet again for you. You already had enough to feel responsible for; I didn't want to then explain to you that I was going to get in trouble for saving your life. I didn't want to lie, but I didn't want to tell the truth either. I simply shrugged the question off and stated that it'd be too long to explain, and you stopped insisting that I explain anyways after a few minutes. I instead answered all sorts of other questions you had, such as what Heaven's like, or how it feels to have wings, hoping that answering would take my mind off of the impending punishment I would face.

I contemplated never returning to that place in the clouds. I honestly contemplated the idea that I could just stay close to you forever, and never have to face the consequences of my actions. I kept having those thoughts throughout the tribunal that was set up to decide my fate.

They could understand me saving your life this time around, for I hadn't been spotted until after you'd been saved. Their problem lied in the fact that you'd spotted me at all; their problem lied in just about everything that had happened following that. To have held you, and talked to you, and to have discussed all sorts of things that I shouldn't have even dreamed of discussing, it was all absolutely disgusting in their eyes. As they listed off my sins, there was a part of me that just wanted them to skip to the part where they'd inevitably cast me out of Heaven. When they did reach the end of the admittedly quite short list, they gave me some parting words, and words that were not anything that I could've expected, no matter how bad I had expected the punishment to be.

"Given the lineage of your...friend...we're willing to be a little more lenient with you. You're blind to your own errors, so we wouldn't be surprised if that boy has some sort of spell cast on you."  
Before I could open my mouth to debunk every possible way that that could ever be the case, I found myself being spoken down to once again.

"This is your final ultimatum, Sakaki. If you are to rinse your hands of these sins, you are to do so in a way that ensures you'll never come into contact with Fuyumi ever again. All of your memories of him, and all of his memories of you, must be destroyed if you are to stay with us."

I could barely react to such a decision, for it was one that I had never even thought to be possible. To ask me to lose those memories was to ask me to lose everything. Where could I go next if I didn't have the chance to see him? There was no one else on Earth who I would rather watch over than Jun. Even the parents who had raised me for my few living years had managed to forget about me as time went on, and I had no other people I could honestly call a friend or a loved one. If I were to forget Jun, I would be assigned to someone I'd never met before, to someone I knew nothing about. To forget Jun was to let my life be led for me by the higher-ups, and that wasn't what I wanted.

Despite the thousands of thoughts that raced through my mind that day, I found myself only asking one weak question.  
"And what happens if I don't agree to that?" I asked, knowing that my heartbeat would probably have accelerated if my heart could still move.

"Failure to comply to those terms will result in banishment. You will never be allowed back here for as long as you shall exist. If you would rather dedicate yourself to Fuyumi than your duties, then we can arrange for the two of you to spend eternity together; first in the mortal world, powerless and disgraced, and then in the underworld, both of you paying for your crimes."

As I was stared down, unaware of what I would do next, I felt something akin to fear as I was told one final thing.

"If you want to give up everything for that sinner, than you shall join him in Hell when his time is up. Do you want that, Sakaki? Are you willing to permanently forfeit your place here for one person? Make your decision wisely."

I left that hearing in a shaking, uncertain mess. I had gone in expecting to simply be stripped of my powers and cast aside, spat back into the mortal world, into a world where I could reunite with you as someone who was allowed to talk to you. But it turned out that there was instead a much, much bigger punishment ahead of not just me, but you, if I were to fall from grace.

I'm still not sure why, but they allowed me to visit Earth one more time before I made my decision. You heard me faintly tapping on your bedroom window, and you opened up with a smile as you saw my wings shine and glisten in the midst of the evening sunset. With something that could be mistaken for enthusiasm, you leaned into my embrace, and you nervously let me carry you to the roof, providing us with a stunning view of the city. You sat down on the tiles and huddled close to me, the cold air breezing past us.

"Are you planning to make this a regular thing?" You asked with a blink, your gaze shifting between me and the view, "The whole grabbing me and flying off with me thing, I mean."  
"Well...I don't know." I sighed, knowing that this conversation was going to turn painful quick, "It...depends on...well..."

I inched my hand closer to yours, and you flinched as you pulled away, terrified of the fact that your hand wasn't covered. You had a brief look of panic in your eyes, before I reached out and grabbed your hand anyways, pulling you back to my side. You stared at the sight of your bare hand in mine, a look of confusion replacing the previous look of fear.  
"I'm already dead, Jun." I reminded you quietly, "Your touch can't affect me."  
You seemed both relieved and saddened by that. You slowly shuffled closer to me, and allowed me to keep holding onto your cold hand.

"A-Anyway, what were you saying?" You asked, unable to distract yourself from the fact that we were holding hands, "What does it depend on?"  
"Well...I...I actually need to talk to you about something." I announced, though I couldn't help but say it in a hushed whisper, unable to think of a way to phrase it all without choking up, "Something important."  
"Hmm? What is it?" You looked me dead in the eyes, panic already beginning to show on your face; it was obvious that you had caught onto how tense I was feeling, "Is it something bad?"  
"Well...sort of." Was probably the biggest understatement I had ever said in my life, "It's...concerning both of us, in fact. I..."

You kept your gaze on me as we turned to one another, refusing to let go of the other's hand. I, an angel in danger of losing his position, and you, the son of Death who had spent years hiding from others, had both been starved of attention, and neither of us wanted to lose what we had only just claimed back. Yet there I was, explaining to you all the different rules of my job, and telling you just how badly I had broken them all to talk to you, and hold you, and bring you to this rooftop just to explain them all to you. You constantly kept wincing and trying to back away from me, reiterating that you couldn't believe all of it, that there was no way that the reunion we'd waited a decade for could come at such a heavy price.

And all of that was before I even managed to get to the important part, or the reason why I even returned to have this conversation. Had the punishment been mere banishment without any other strings attached, I probably wouldn't have explained a single thing to you until after I'd already suffered. But I couldn't do that now. You were involved with this too. We were to either never see each other or even remember each other again forever, or to stay with one another at the cost of a shared afterlife, and a shared afterlife in the underworld at that. But that was also something that made me think some difficult thoughts.

If I were to prioritise my status over our union, you'd forget all about me. And if you forgot all about me, you would forget all of the guilt you'd built up over the years. After all, you can't grieve over the death of someone you can't remember. If I were to forget you, I'd be forgetting just about everything that ever happened after my death; I wouldn't even remember how I died. Even though we'd been separated for so long, we were still important parts of one another's lives; to forget each other was to forget a lot more than the higher-ups realised.

Some may say we'd be better off forgetting each other. You wouldn't need to worry about what you did 10 years ago, and I would't feel so lonely when I couldn't talk to you. We could probably be peaceful. There was a part of me, a very, very small part albeit, that wanted to forget everything and put this all behind me, not for the sake of my position, but so that you could have a chance at happiness.

But that's not what you wanted.

"No...no!" You cried out, squeezing my hand tight, "I'm not forgetting you! I don't want to just cast you aside like you were never there! Y-You've waited 10 years to finally be by my side again, I'm not letting those 10 years go to waste!"  
"I...is that your definite response?" I asked; I had nowhere near enough energy to raise my voice above a faint whisper, "You'd really have me back, forever? Jun, bare in mind what happens when you d-"  
"I don't care." You affirmed as you looked at me, "I...I honestly...I honestly can't say that I want to see you lose everything, and I don't want to be responsible for your downfall, but..."  
"You're not responsible at all, Jun." I tried weakly to reassure you that everything was ok, and I wiped away the tears that were forming in your eyes, "I suppose it's somewhat my fault, for letting myself get caught..."  
"It's definitely my fault..." You whimpered, huddling close to me as I kept pushing away your oncoming tears, "But...what do you want, Natsuki? I'm only really affected if you stay where you are...you're the one who will lose everything important if you join me."

In that moment, I rested a hand on the side of your face, and lifted your head up so I could look you in the eyes, and tell you something that I had wanted to tell you ever since all of this started.

"No, Jun. I'm the one who will lose everything important if I don't join you."

Before you could react, I pulled you into my embrace, letting my shimmering wings wrap around you too, enveloping you tightly to keep you close. You placed your chilling, bare hands on my shoulders, and you nestled your head against mine as the setting sun gazed down upon us. If I were to forget you, we could never have such soothing moments like this again. What I had been after for years was a chance to do things like this, to have chances to hold you in my arms and keep you safe, to let you know that I truly wanted to stay with you for as long as I possibly could.

When I was given that ultimatum, it hit hard because they'd pulled you into it. It would've been a lot easier if they had just cast me out immediately, is what I'd thought. I thought that this decision would take a lot of time for both of us to reflect on, but it seemed as though we'd both made up our minds quite easily. You knew you'd feel guilty over it no matter what choice was made, so in the end we'd both hit the same point, and decided on the most selfish course of action.

"I kinda can't believe this..." You mumbled; that sentence was starting to become a bit common for you, "I just...I've only known you were here for a couple of days now, and everything's already taking such unexpected turns...I always assumed you'd just forgotten me, but now we're in this weird scenario where you were given a second chance at redemption, but you'd rather use it to come back...this is all just...things I never could've foresaw, you know?"

You were right about all of that. All of this being unexpected, and me throwing away a second chance. But if anything, I saw it as less of a second chance at redemption, and more of a second chance to be there for you. Every single word that came out of your mouth dragged me further down into the whirlpool of sin, and cut away any thoughts of things being better off if we were apart.

"I know, and I'm sorry that I've managed to spring so much on you out of nowhere...I didn't exactly foresee much of this either, by the way." I managed to laugh a little over those words, and it seemed to have made you laugh too, "Even if this ends up hurting more than I imagined...even if I lose all the powers and responsibilities I had...even if my wings turn black and I'm to be cast out of heaven...all of that would be worth it, if it meant a second shot at being here."

"This is all so cruel..." You said with a sigh, but your tone seemed somewhat pleasant, "But I guess if this is the only way I'll ever get you back, then I'm just gonna have to accept that cruelty. I always knew I wasn't going to the clouds when I died anyways, given, you know..." You looked at me with a smile, the built-up tears now running down your face, "...the fact that I killed my best friend. A-And then, I guess, tempted him away from heaven and made him lose everything. Provided that you've made up your mind on this, that is..."

"Of course I've made up my mind. I would endure Hell for you...well, I suppose I'm gonna have to now, but..." I tried to play down the gravity of that comment with a chuckle, hoping that if I held onto you a little tighter it would negate everything bad that had already happened, "But Jun...even though I'll lose my powers-"  
"Natsuki, it's ok." You cut me off, "You don't need powers."

You looked at me again, this time your forehead pressed against mine, our faces dangerously close to one another. We both had the same thought on our mind, and this whole encounter that had started so tragically now felt magical. We both opened our mouths to speak, and both said what we were thinking.

"Even though I'll lose my powers, I'll always be looking out for you."  
"You don't need powers, Natsuki. To me, you'll always be my guardian angel."

We didn't need any more words following that. We'd both made our decisions, and we'd both committed ourselves to the same sin. Even if we were to spend a hellish eternity together, that only gave us more reasons to be by each other's side whilst were still permitted to be on this Earth. Every negative could be turned into a positive, no matter how bleak, and every single thing we'd said had all lead up to this moment, where we found our lips pressed against one another, knowing that we'd essentially sealed our fates.

I didn't need to return to the higher-ups for them to get the message. They must have understood right there and then, and it wasn't long before our actions caught up to us.

I would be lying if I said it wasn't painful. Not emotionally, but physically. The sound that was made when my halo shattered to pieces was enough to break us out of the spell-like distraction that was that kiss. The fragments of what had once been a proud ring of light slowly fizzled away, losing their spark forever. The pain that coursed through me as my wings began to crack and break was agonising, yet I tried to keep them wrapped around you, hoping that doing so would make the pain less obvious. I tried to keep my eyes shut as those broken wings were slowly stained black, marking me out as the traitor I was. The luminescent, faint glow of my skin turned dull; the body that you had held onto had lost its shine.

You held onto me tight, and kept trying to assure me that everything was fine as I slowly transformed. You kept embracing me, and asking if I was in pain, asking if there was anything you could do to help me bear through it all. I kept answering with the same things, trying to assure you that everything was ok, lowkey lying to you when I insisted that it didn't hurt much. I didn't want you to feel bad over this decision; it took just about every fibre in my body to stop myself from screaming out in agony.

When it was over, it took us both a couple of minutes to comprehend the reality of the situation. I'd doomed myself back into this life on Earth, and had also permanently ensured that I would never be allowed back into Heaven. I lamented it as I looked up at the sky, still holding onto you, trying my best to comfort you, though looking back on it, I was probably trying to comfort myself as well. Although you'd accepted long ago that you weren't going to a good place after death, knowing that I'd accompany you there was something you were having trouble wrapping your head around.

It was an odd night, filled with both happiness and misery simultaneously. We were together again, but under such sorrowful conditions. We were doomed to a miserable afterlife, but we would have each other for it. I'd lost a lot, but I'd gained something too.

But no matter what, to this very day, I still refuse to regret that decision.

To this strange day, where I'm looking down at your gloved hand and asking you if we'll be ok, I feel as though I made the right choice. As I slowly nod to you, as we slowly walk past the gates of the new school, as you keep fervently asking me if no one can see my blackened wings, I can tell that you haven't stopped thinking about our despair-filled yet intertwined fate, and in all honesty, it's not as though I've stopped thinking about it either. But as long as I'm by your side, I still don't mind.

Even though I lost so much just to get to this point, what matters is that I even managed to get to this point in the first place. What matters is the embarrassed smile on your face as we fumble around the school halls, not knowing which direction our classroom is in. What matters is that we're able to be in this scenario.

What matters is this strange, miserable, hopeful, sinful yet loving present day that we find ourselves in.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this is actually good, for once in a long time I actually feel kinda confident about this one lol
> 
> This was I think my 2nd time writing these boys so I hope it's not ooc asdfghjkl


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